Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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