Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
