My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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