community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Are we still banned from the library?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
