remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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