How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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