Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
