you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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