I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
