im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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