Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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