I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?