What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have peed in a lot of sinks