Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
