I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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