Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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