so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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