Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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