I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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