I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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