Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
