Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
