I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
