Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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