Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
