I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
