If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
