I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
