Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
