Need sex. Gaining weight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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