What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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