dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
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In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
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I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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