You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
