The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
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Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
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I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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