maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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