Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
