Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
