First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
