You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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