I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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