He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
