hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
