theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
