My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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