I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
