I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
