How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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