I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I touched a dick in church today
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
