She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
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she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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