$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We are two peas in an std pod
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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