theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
