highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
