Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
