checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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