Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
