I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
