I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
