I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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